I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
