So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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