I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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