Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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