We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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