Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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