Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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