I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
