at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
