ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
