Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
