Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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