Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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