I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
