Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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