It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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