I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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