somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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