White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
