I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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