There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize