On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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