If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
