Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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