Tell her she can't have a vagina
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
