Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
