I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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