I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
