my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
