One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
