So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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