Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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