every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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