i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
