Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
