I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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