Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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