So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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