I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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