dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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