The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
