There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
