Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
