The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
