i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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