Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
