Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
