After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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