can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
