I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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