i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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