Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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