I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
