My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
