there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
