She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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