totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
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She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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