There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
